Its been a while. Not for lack of trying. I write things and then never publish them. Words still seem so empty and all the fractured sentences don't even really make sense in my mind. As i sit in my house on the hill looking out over Port Angeles, the water and Victoria BC I feel blessed.(amazing view!:)Most days I'm not sure how i feel. I don't like talking to people about it because in my mind I'm still so confused as to why i still have this feeling hanging over me. I can't shake it loose. I still cry at the drop of a hat and scream without even meaning to when i feel my kids could be in danger. He survived didn't he? Get over it, move on! Every time i think i have, it all comes rushing back, like a scratched CD that just keeps skipping back to the same song over and over! That is all i can see... my son...getting run over again and again. It comes when i least expect it.
All that said...I'm happy, not jump up and down i got a pony for Christmas happy, but i am content and thankful for a second chance to be the mother i want to be. And that's what I'm doing now. Still sorting threw all the strange mind games but so happy i have a husband by my side who loves me and two miracle boys. Thankfulness comes to mind. So maybe i can figure out what I'm feeling after all....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cvm2OYF2p7E
FOR RICHER OR POORER, IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH, TO LOVE AND TO CHERISH, TILL DEATH DO US PART!
Sweet Pea... it takes a long time. There are no hard and fast rules about when your mind will heal. And that is exactly what is happening. You stood in the space between this life and the next, and opened your arms. You had to relinquish your son, let him go, give him to the hands of a Merciful God and pray that His will be done. It was.
ReplyDeleteBut that does not mean that you will ever fully recover your innocence. You won't. These are the hardest words I've ever had to write, Precious One. What you are describing is the Loss of Innocence. You will always know the sight, the sounds, the grief, the unimaginable horror- and having Zane returned to you does not wipe that slate clean. It isn't supposed to. We are the amalgam of our experiences, the aggregate of the Good and the horrific. What we take from these things is the substance of Faith. Our beliefs are rooted in Knowing, in Understanding, with eyes wide open- that a Merciful God exists. That sometimes, His answer is 'Yes'. There was no guaranteed 'Yes' when you were driving to Harborview. You know that. Nate knows that. I know that. This is the stuff miracles are made of- you chose to let go, to let God.
It is the void, the space between words, the Loss that you are feeling right now. You let go. Your son swam through the Void and was returned to your arms, alive. You cannot be unaffected. It is not the Order of Things.
You have known the cold, icy breath of Death. You have known Fear. And you chose to Believe. Anyone can blow sunshine and wave a sparkle wand when they have not known these things. That is not Faith, that's just... mere christianity (to quote C.S. Lewis). Faith is not free, nor is it inexpensive.
You are allowed to be scared. To be afraid of Loss. You have every reason to be. You are allowed to cry- when no one is looking AND when everyone is. Give yourself permission to Be. Your mind will heal. Right now, it is wide open. When you face the loss of a child, the pain is mind-bending. And like childbirth, it does not leave you unscathed. Pain is pain, child. This wound will heal, in time, from the inside out. It is a puncture wound to the Soul, to the Mind. Don't stitch it closed; rather, let it drain. Let it all out. Don't censor it, don't filter it. God, by His very nature, is omnipotent. He can handle your anger, your tears, your sorrow, your loss. After all, He created it. He is Bigger than happiness, larger that Life. He is big enough to take your questions. So don't stop asking, don't sell Him short. Or yourself.
His answer was "Yes" this time. We both know that this is no surety for tomorrow. But all you have, truly, is today. So, for today, hug your boys, hug my babies and tell them that you love them. That their Auntie Ti loves them. And rest, in perfect peace, in the darkest corners of your mind. This State of Grace is given for the moment, not as a blanket for a lifetime of casual comfort. Should Darkness overtake you, your sons, or your husband- there will be Enough to hold you. To carry you. To keep you. Believe this, Precious One. And you do. There is Mercy in the Middle places. I know. Because I've been there, too. This is not where Faith goes to die- just dogma. Faith is born in the dark, in the struggle. In holding on and letting go- in equal parts, imperfectly.
With all my heart and all my love,
Your sister,
Ti